Tired of you

Tired of you making me feel less than what I am.

Tired of you putting me aside for other women.

Tired of trying to making you understand

that I am right in my wants and I shouldn’t

have to demand.

Tired of loving you when I know I shouldn’t.

Tired of taking you back when I said I wouldn’t.

Tired of you making me regret all the times I

forgave you.

Tired of you making me want to hate you.

I’m just tired of waiting for you to love me,

Tired of trying to make you see why you should be

all about me.

But you want other things, other kinds of women.

The kinds that don’t see past the superficial things.

But maybe that’s the right kind for you,

since you can’t even see the seven years we’ve built together

Since you seem to have gone blind to our vision of forever.

And even when you gave me doubts, I could never

picture our lives without each other.

 

I am so tired of you putting me second to last

So tired of believing we’re going to last

I hope I can just fall asleep to never wake up,

and leave you in the past.

 

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One more time

Heartbreaker? I’ll take it. Because I know I won’t be able to make it without you. Heartbreaker? I want you. I don’t want it to be easy, I can’t make it through without you. Show me the way, leave me there, it doesn’t matter. I’ll always be waiting for you. Heartbreaker? I’ll chase you. After all the shitty things you do, I can’t take the clue that you’re no good for me and I’m too good for you. Heartbreaker? I can’t hate you. I give you all that I have just for a minute of your attention. I know how this will end, but I always hope you make your way back to me. So you can hold my hand and tell me lies. At least you’re looking in eyes and for a second I believe you want to try. Heartbreaker, I’d kill for you to break my heart one more time. Because I know for every time you do, there’s a moment where you’re finally mine.

Off my chest

It took me one year to get over you. I think it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Till this day I talk about you all the time to the people I meet- I have to learn to stop doing that to forget we ever happened. My roommates in college know about you and I’ve only known them for a month- that’s how much of an impact you’ve had on me. I talk about you like you’re the greatest person ever even if you don’t think you are. I loved the way you were especially when you talked about your life, your family, your upbringing, and things you liked to do. If you haven’t noticed it by now but your presence could light up a room I think you’re a show stopper. Waking up to you was like watching the sunrise. I remember doing that every summer morning on the beach by my house. But somehow it doesn’t compare to waking up next you and I would choose that over any sunrise this world has to offer. And I’m not saying that to sweet talk you. I’m saying that so you can understand the depth of my feelings towards you at the time. Now they’re locked away in a far chamber of my heart like I’m trying to slowly kill this monster that I feel used to eat me alive.

Sometimes I feel like it was a dream and I wished it never happened. I wish I would’ve never gone as far as I did with you so I wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath. I know i always tell you that communication is a two way street and I know I’m at fault for not always being the most consistent, but I couldn’t keep talking to you it was too hard for me it would make my heart race and I had to stay focus on what I was doing.  As you know, it was hard to get you, so in a way I looked for you in other people, but no one could compare. I never had anyone make me less than I was and I felt that way for a really long time until I concluded that maybe you just weren’t the one. It was like you gave me everything I ever wanted and you took it all away. And the worst part was that I opened myself up to you so easily like you had me in the palm of your hand. And not to be cocky, but so many guys wish they could’ve been where you were with me because I don’t give the opportunity to just anybody or even at all. I fell for you really fast and in a way, it was just to make me realize never to trust so easily and rely on someone. I’m not really sure why things happened the way they did, but what’s most important is that they happened. And I don’t hate you or resent you for it. It just reinforced my mentality of being a strong woman and to be able to attain everything I want on my own without relying on someone to make my dreams come true.

I’m happy that you’re doing better and I appreciate you communicating that with me because it comforts me to know you’re going after your true potential because I know you can do great things. I have put my feelings aside for you because I know what’s important right now is you and your well being…not what I want and I respect that. I know you have to love yourself for you to love someone else. However, I don’t think I can keep talking to you anymore because in a way it fucks me up; it makes me lose focus. I don’t want to put myself in the position where I start to hope that you and I can be something. I feel like we played around with that idea for the past two years that it’s honestly affecting me emotionally. It may not sound like a big deal to you, or maybe it is, I don’t know how you really feel about me. But there was a time that I would’ve dropped everything for you if you ever needed me. But now my heart is really guarded towards you that I don’t think I would ever let you in because you showed me something I was never expecting. It has nothing to do with materialistic things or if things in your life are perfect. Those things don’t matter to me and they never will. It has to do with the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to stay or to even give me an answer or even a chance.

And the funny part is when I would drive to … you see two exits the one to left going West takes you into … and the one on the right East takes you to … there have been countless times that I would want to turn left to see you, but I knew it wasn’t in my place to do so. and that’s how you would make me feel…directly and indirectly. So with letting this off of my chest- I do wish you the best and I’ll pray for you just like I always have but I can’t keep playing with the idea that one day you will be for me when time and action is showing me the complete opposite. I need to move on for good and accept the fact that what you and I had was close to a dream that most likely won’t ever happen again. I need to be with someone who loves me and will show me all the love i deserve regardless of the hardships we may face- Someone i can trust to always be on my side. and I feel like a cornball for even getting this deep but I’ve never been the kind of person to keep things to myself. I fell for you and I wish I didn’t.  I don’t know what you would like with me but I don’t have the time to wait for you to figure it out. Again I do wish you the best but I’m ending everything here for good.

New Body

New body, but I don’t want anybody that isn’t you.  Any body doesn’t comfort my body likes yours do. I place my head on his chest and I feel so unknown. Kissing him, thinking of you; I can’t let go. I’ll do the show. Acting like you don’t mean shit, smile on my face, but in my heart I know. You’re the only person I can call home.

 

Traps

Hoping you find me one day and tell me you’re sorry. Hoping you find me with tears in your eyes; cries that would last you a life time. Hoping you find me one day so I can take your last breath away with a smile that’ll make you chase me in your dreams, wave after wave,  mile after mile. Hoping you find me…hoping that you will find me.

Apologetic

All that I have felt, all that I have said…

has been burnt away

The truth in my words is the truth in my

heart that no one knows about

The letters I have written have been burned

torn, tossed

into another world where a part of me resides in

Years after years of writing…gone

because you wanted more space for what was important

to you

Page after page thrown away because you wouldn’t have

liked what I wrote

I took part in this crime because I did not want to leave

evidence of what I really feel

of what I really think

because words can hurt others as much as it can hurt you

All of these poems gone and I look back and wonder

where have I gone…

Have there been parts of me that I have been burned,

torn, tossed

in order to conceal who I really am

in order to protect others

in order to protect myself?

Dead flowers

Dead flowers in my heart

The roots making their way down my veins

All the way down to my feet

How can I walk, how can I breathe

When I have a rotting corpse

Living inside of me

Paralyzing me from ripping the weeds

Out of my being

So I guess I rot too

At the  thought of you

Making me feel so bad,

but making me feel good too

An addiction I want to end

Will you be able to water my weeds

Will you be able to make me alive again