New Body

New body, but I don’t want anybody that isn’t you.  Any body doesn’t comfort my body likes yours do. I place my head on his chest and I feel so unknown. Kissing him, thinking of you; I can’t let go. I’ll do the show. Acting like you don’t mean shit, smile on my face, but in my heart I know. You’re the only person I can call home.

 

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Traps

Hoping you find me one day and tell me you’re sorry. Hoping you find me with tears in your eyes; cries that would last you a life time. Hoping you find me one day so I can take your last breath away with a smile that’ll make you chase me in your dreams, wave after wave,  mile after mile. Hoping you find me…hoping that you will find me.

Apology 512

The sun has risen

Because I would of loved to start a family with you and the fact that I let you get away from me. I know I fucked up and now there’s no chance of fixing what I broke because you got a new man now.

I just felt like depressed about what was going on in my life and didn’t feel like I could give you my all until I felt I was back to normal. I see a therapist now so I’m back to my old self. I really do wish things ended differently. I would have loved to have a family with you, but I didn’t want to move in with you if I wasn’t working. I felt like a loser so I wanted to get my life together before I started a serious relationship with you. It hurts to know you’re having a baby with someone else and we’ll never be together.

…Bottom line, I fucking love you I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. It’s just last time I felt like we were going too quick I didn’t want to be…I would propose and have a child with you right now. Happy New Year! I hope this year we can put last year behind us. I love you and be safe. I’m gonna get you this year…we’re going to get together this year.

I just want to tell you I will always love you and I’ll always be here for you.

 

Fear

I understand some people will try to scare you out of doing something to prevent you from getting hurt, but I hate when people and the world try to instill fear in you. People have always tried to instill fear in me, not because they did not want me to succeed, but because they did not want me to get hurt. For instance, when I wanted to pursue dance, so many people would tell me that it’s difficult to find a career in dance or it would be nearly impossible to recover from an injury if I were to get hurt. Not being able to have a stable income and possibly getting injured…fear. I would like to add that Misty Copeland fractured a bone in her back during rehearsal and look at her now;  the first African American woman to be promoted to principal dancer in ABT’s 75-year history.

Dance did not work out for me because I fell into depression and I stopped practicing. Now to find a niche. In high school, I did very well in my science courses, and my teacher suggested I pursue the medical field. I started to do my research and was intrigued with all the things you could do in the medical field. It wasn’t until I dissected a pig in my anatomy class where I decided I wanted to be a surgeon.

I took intense science courses to get myself a head in school and was doing really well. It wasn’t until my second year in college where my lab professor made it her goal to break me down…and she did. While being in school I also worked at a boutique. I would have all my classes in the morning and then rush to work; an environment where your outfit had to be on point from head to toe and your hails and nails must always be perfect. I believe that twenty-four year old professor was jealous of me because the first day of class she called me out. “Listen, when you’re in the science field you were over sized t-shirts, mom jeans, and running sneakers. You don’t do your hair, nails, or even pick an outfit for yourself.” I knew she was speaking about me because no other student was dressed up to figure out mystery solubles and solvents. She approached me after class and commented on my tenacious attitude in class and superb grades. She then asked me what I wanted to do with my degree and  I told her I wanted to be a doctor. That’s where she began to blabber about how medical school was competitive, expensive, and all the student loans I would have to take out. I told her I wanted to be a doctor to help people and she said, “Well look at Angelina Jolie. She never went to college, became an actress, and is now a huge philanthropist.” So then, I started to think that maybe it wasn’t worth it and I changed my major.

I feel like no matter what I pursued or wanted to pursue, someone always had something negative to say. Whether it was the incidents I mentioned, working in retail, opening up my own online store, or even saying I wantwork at McDonalds….someone always had to impose how hard it was going to be. They might as well say that everything in life is difficult and never pursue anything. Now that I’m business major concentrating in analytics, people are saying I’ll have to deal with a competitive environment, I’ll have to work over forty hours a week which been there done that, and I’ll have to possibly deal with men getting paid more than me. So now what? Change my ideas because there are possible, not guaranteed, obstacles  I could encounter? No. Hell no.

The point is don’t allow people to instill fear in you. No matter what you pursue in life, you will encounter bumps in the road. The saying is true, if it were easy, everyone would do it. It’s the people who believed in themselves and overcame those obstacles that made it. So whatever you’re going after, go after it full throttle…fearlessly.

Apologetic

All that I have felt, all that I have said…

has been burnt away

The truth in my words is the truth in my

heart that no one knows about

The letters I have written have been burned

torn, tossed

into another world where a part of me resides in

Years after years of writing…gone

because you wanted more space for what was important

to you

Page after page thrown away because you wouldn’t have

liked what I wrote

I took part in this crime because I did not want to leave

evidence of what I really feel

of what I really think

because words can hurt others as much as it can hurt you

All of these poems gone and I look back and wonder

where have I gone…

Have there been parts of me that I have been burned,

torn, tossed

in order to conceal who I really am

in order to protect others

in order to protect myself?

Dead flowers

Dead flowers in my heart

The roots making their way down my veins

All the way down to my feet

How can I walk, how can I breathe

When I have a rotting corpse

Living inside of me

Paralyzing me from ripping the weeds

Out of my being

So I guess I rot too

At the  thought of you

Making me feel so bad,

but making me feel good too

An addiction I want to end

Will you be able to water my weeds

Will you be able to make me alive again

The Better Stalker

In my mind, I have murdered you more than once. and after every time I do it, I feel like it’s not enough. So as I drive down the road, I start to plan all over again, the way I will get my revenge. As I drive down the road in silence, I hear the same song playing repeatedly.  And the flashbacks I see start to eat inside of me. As I turn the car to take the exit that leads to you, I know this plan will take time to do.

I ask the Lord to forgive me for the things that play in my head. I ask the Lord to give me the strength to make me weak when I think of my revenge. When I think of you, I start to scratch my skin and my blood begins to boil thin.

I know where you are, I know where you live. I never forget, I never forgive. I know that you’re searching and I know that you’re planning, scheming, and manipulating. Though I am quiet and gentle there is strength within my eyes and my grin. So the day that I see you, don’t trust my intentions. Don’t believe what I say, don’t fall for my reflection. Because in the late hours of the night when you are thinking of me, I will come from behind and set myself free.

I will throw all of the pictures I have of you and set them on fire. The knife on your neck will cry from desire. And all that you have and all that you know will no longer matter. I know that you’re looking and I know that you’re reading.  This letter for you is to let you know that I’m the better stalker.