In my mind, I have murdered you more than once. and after every time I do it, I feel like it’s not enough. So as I drive down the road, I start to plan all over again, the way I will get my revenge. As I drive down the road in silence, I hear the same song playing repeatedly. And the flashbacks I see start to eat inside of me. As I turn the car to take the exit that leads to you, I know this plan will take time to do.
I ask the Lord to forgive me for the things that play in my head. I ask the Lord to give me the strength to make me weak when I think of my revenge. When I think of you, I start to scratch my skin and my blood begins to boil thin.
I know where you are, I know where you live. I never forget, I never forgive. I know that you’re searching and I know that you’re planning, scheming, and manipulating. Though I am quiet and gentle there is strength within my eyes and my grin. So the day that I see you, don’t trust my intentions. Don’t believe what I say, don’t fall for my reflection. Because in the late hours of the night when you are thinking of me, I will come from behind and set myself free.
I will throw all of the pictures I have of you and set them on fire. The knife on your neck will cry from desire. And all that you have and all that you know will no longer matter. I know that you’re looking and I know that you’re reading. This letter for you is to let you know that I’m the better stalker.
When I close my eyes, I see myself smiling as I wake up to you. That is my reality and that is my dream. When I think of you I envision forever because I know that’s what you feel when you think about me. You give me what my heart longs for. You know what I need before I need it. I wouldn’t want to give that up for anything in the world.
At times when we distance ourselves and feel like we can’t do it anymore, I have gone searching for someone new. I never find what I find in you. The heart knows where is home and I always find myself back to you.
I know in my heart you will never wake up one day and tell me you don’t love me anymore. That is why I’m faithful to you.
I like you a lot, but you come with emotional baggage- about 140 pounds worth. Your emotional baggage has long brown hair, big brown eyes, and a horrible, hipster fashion style.
I like you a lot but you come with emotional baggage- about 125 pounds worth. Ashy blonde hair, a big nose, and a body that can’t decide if it’s going to hit puberty or not.
I like you I really do, but sometimes I wonder if all this time you’re investing with me is all towards realizing you miss her. Why can’t we just get over our ex-girlfriends?
Who am I to talk? I’m someone’s ex girlfriend. And he can’t seem to get over me. and I can’t get over him. The purgatory between an ex and a present. I guess you can be both at the same time.
Thinking about you.
Thinking about when we would listen
to Nas together.
Moments like those made me feel for forever.
Moments like those felt ever lasting
Infinity couldn’t outlast you and me
the only presence that ever mattered to me
only presence that made me fall to my knees
shivers down my back
I wish I could go back…
That’s all I need. I have been living my life looking for love and approval from others. People who weren’t going to give me those things anyway. No matter how much love, patience, and support you give; it may never be enough to change people.
I have always striven for the approval and acceptance of my mother who never really cared or worried so much of me. She always longed for the love and acceptance of my other siblings so she pushed me aside because she thought I would always be there. Not anymore. I have finally decided to cut all ends with my family- a group of toxic people who never did anything good for me anyway. Every year, every occasion, every accomplishment…they ruined for me. I work so hard for these things in my life and they ruin it time and time again. That’s what pisses me off. I stand by my mother’s side in everything and for what? So she can throw me under the rug. I had it. I am my own family now. I am taking ownership of who I am and exactly what I do with my life because there is absolutely no one there to stop me. There is no one there have to discuss these things with so I am owning my decision and my person.
The reason why I say God and I is because I have to give credit when credit is due. All that i have accomplished in my life…the wins and the obstacles i thought i would never get over is because of God. There have been times in my life where I thought I wasn’t going to make it…times where I wanted to end it all…but the Lord picked me up in his arms and rose me up. Nothing that i have attained in my life has been because of my parents or my family. All of it was because of my ambition, my strength, and my faith- all in which I attained from Him.
The decision hurts me that I have to remove myself from my family, but it’s for the best…it’s for my growth. I’m going to make a new life out of this new found independence and I am not afraid because the Lord is with me. Leave everything in the hands of God, and you will see God’s hand in everything.
I’ll see you soon my love. I didn’t mean to leave you so soon. I’m sorry I wasn’t myself…I didn’t know who I was. But I knew it was better if I figured it out on my own. A continuous metamorphosis…I didn’t expect you to keep up. So hard to pin point, so hard to understand…I knew it was better if I set you free. And you told me you couldn’t imagine doing life without me..what is better without me. Pushing you away when all I wanted was for you to stay, to be here with me..but I didn’t want you to see me not so pretty. I tell myself time and time and time again..I am changing to be better so when I am ready I will come home back to you.