You tell me you think I’m out to get you. I tell you that you’re wrong. I’m always telling you that I would never do that to you. You say that you have a guilty conscious for things you have done to me, but I tell you that it’s okay…that we can move on now. And that makes you happy and I smile.
But sometimes when I lay in bed at night, I do think of revenge. I just want to take your hand and take you far, far away. I want to take your hand and show you a really good time. First, we start dating. We go out to nice dinners, we go out dancing. Every night I whisper sweet nothings into your ear and make promises that I don’t plan on keeping. I become really close with your family again. All who tell me how stupid you were for leaving me in the first place. You tell me how much you love me and how you want to start a family. I get so excited and tell you I want the same thing. I really do want the same thing. There is nothing more that I want than to have your children. We have a nice home with four kids. I knew they would be beautiful. You and I have great jobs and we never fight because you’re simply happy that we worked out and I gave you the life you wanted. And even after several years later…the feeling when you left still burns. Two years ago when we first met, I told you that if you were to ever leave me…
So I wait for the day. I wake up early in the morning. Only taking cash and nothing more with me. I don’t come home and you’re frantic wondering like you always do if this was my way of getting back at you. You tell the kids that I went on vacation and I’ll be home in a week. They don’t know what a week is. Every day becomes harder because you have no idea when I’m coming back. You don’t even know that I don’t have plans on coming back.
I take the bus to a distant town and rent a room at a rundown motel. It is time that I call it quits. In just a while, I’ll go to sleep just to never wake up. In just three days, you find out that I have killed myself. The kids ask you if a week has gone by and you tell them no. You’ll continue to tell them no until you find a better lie that won’t break their hearts. I left you alone, permanently alone. In a nice house, with a good job, and four beautiful kids that are not only part of you, but will always be part of me. And every day when you wake up and see them, you will always see me. Every where you go, you will see me. Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.
Questions of love and I don’t have the answers to them. Questions about us and I don’t know how to answer to them. I used to believe in the vision, now I don’t even see it. It has all become unknown to me.
I thought you were my person. I thought you were my forever. When I would think sixty years from now, I would see us together. I thought there wouldn’t be anyone else for me, I thought you were my person. The real definition of my other half. What is life without you? I don’t want to do or know life without you. You were my strength when I was weak. You were my support when I could not stand. You were my light in the darkest times in my life. You were my protection when I was scared. You were my inspiration when I didn’t believe in myself. You were the only direction in my life when I didn’t know where I was going. You were the only person I could count on; my best friend. You and I, you were my family. You were my home. The past seven years, I don’t know what happened.
Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for pulling me apart, so much I can’t numb the pain that’s now embedded in my body and damaged my brain. You sold me a dream, so I hopped on the train. Thank you for taking me this far just to leave me stranded, on my own. Thank you for holding my hand, walking by my side, just to leave me all alone. Who I was, when I was, with you, I don’t know. You took advantage of the fact I didn’t know myself, thinking I wasn’t good enough for anyone else. So I tolerated your shit, the disrespect because I didn’t respect myself as a woman. So you had me on a plank with a knife and you kept pushing and pushing. You had me wrapped around your finger, waiting by the phone. Just to count the minutes on the clock, for you not, to pick up and call. Every time every time I’m upset you tell me you want it all. I give you my ear just to hear all your empty promises just to fall, back into believing you. Back to believing your empty promises. The repetition of your bullshit has me so sick. So many times out of all my options you were my pick. Yeah, that was my conscious decision, who’s the idiot. You for mistreating me giving me all the reason to leave you behind? Or me putting up with the disrespect and still staying on your behind? This is the last time I tell myself as I’m crying myself to sleep. You want to call me late at night, telling me your empty promises, on repeat. But I can’t continue to be disappointed, enough with the let downs. I can’t do these cheap highs anymore, it’s time to come down. Face the facts, face the reality. That you’re never going to change, you’re never going to ride for me. Or love me, the way I want you to. Wish I would’ve known it would be this way. Wish I would’ve known it was never going to be you.
Momma said I could always do better. She’s looking at me crazy because I still sleep with your sweater. Momma said, so many boys out there and you settle for the one that treats you like shit. What, are you a masochist? Do you forget that you’re still young, you don’t have to settle for this. You don’t have to deal with the lack of commitment, the empty promises. What do you think will come out of this? Momma asked me if I have low self-esteem. What, is that you think you’re ugly, useless, pathetic? Do you like to be slapped around and disrespected? You just want to be in his arms, but emotionally rejected. You deserve yourself a man that puts the world at your feet, momma said. But instead, you cry over a boy who claims his job is the streets. what’s wrong with you, who put this all in your head? That you can’t attain someone better than the guy who gets you upset, that gets your face all red. Momma said.
Suicide. When I feel like ending it all. So I can feel free. Free from any expectations. Free from forced conversations and forced relationships. I have no label. I have no understanding of what’s right or wrong when it comes to society. I say what I feel when I feel it. I change my mind all the time because my mood changes all the time. Misunderstood. All these questions about things that don’t matter. Where do you see yourself in five years? Same place I see myself now…rollin one up. What’s your type? I really don’t know. Do you know yourself? Fuck no. And I’m fine with that. What is it with all these questions? The people who ask them don’t even try to understand my answer. They try to find what they want to hear in my answer. The pressure of trying to be perfect for someone. I hate it. So I try my best to be so authentic to scare people away. But people love it. Trying to warn people that I’m crazy. But they love it. I just need time to love me. Alone.
I can’t wait for the day to sit by your side,
to roll up a blunt, and get high