Thinking about you.
Thinking about when we would listen
to Nas together.
Moments like those made me feel for forever.
Moments like those felt ever lasting
Infinity couldn’t outlast you and me
the only presence that ever mattered to me
only presence that made me fall to my knees
shivers down my back
I wish I could go back…
That’s all I need. I have been living my life looking for love and approval from others. People who weren’t going to give me those things anyway. No matter how much love, patience, and support you give; it may never be enough to change people.
I have always striven for the approval and acceptance of my mother who never really cared or worried so much of me. She always longed for the love and acceptance of my other siblings so she pushed me aside because she thought I would always be there. Not anymore. I have finally decided to cut all ends with my family- a group of toxic people who never did anything good for me anyway. Every year, every occasion, every accomplishment…they ruined for me. I work so hard for these things in my life and they ruin it time and time again. That’s what pisses me off. I stand by my mother’s side in everything and for what? So she can throw me under the rug. I had it. I am my own family now. I am taking ownership of who I am and exactly what I do with my life because there is absolutely no one there to stop me. There is no one there have to discuss these things with so I am owning my decision and my person.
The reason why I say God and I is because I have to give credit when credit is due. All that i have accomplished in my life…the wins and the obstacles i thought i would never get over is because of God. There have been times in my life where I thought I wasn’t going to make it…times where I wanted to end it all…but the Lord picked me up in his arms and rose me up. Nothing that i have attained in my life has been because of my parents or my family. All of it was because of my ambition, my strength, and my faith- all in which I attained from Him.
The decision hurts me that I have to remove myself from my family, but it’s for the best…it’s for my growth. I’m going to make a new life out of this new found independence and I am not afraid because the Lord is with me. Leave everything in the hands of God, and you will see God’s hand in everything.
I’ll see you soon my love. I didn’t mean to leave you so soon. I’m sorry I wasn’t myself…I didn’t know who I was. But I knew it was better if I figured it out on my own. A continuous metamorphosis…I didn’t expect you to keep up. So hard to pin point, so hard to understand…I knew it was better if I set you free. And you told me you couldn’t imagine doing life without me..what is better without me. Pushing you away when all I wanted was for you to stay, to be here with me..but I didn’t want you to see me not so pretty. I tell myself time and time and time again..I am changing to be better so when I am ready I will come home back to you.
She told me to run, but I decided to stay
I should’ve listened to you
because you left anyway
When you can’t sleep
When everything makes you cry
When you can’t eat and
you don’t want to try
This is when you know it’s over.
When the person who is the reason for your
every bite makes you feel less and less
What once made you feel so alive
is the reason why you feel dead
She’s emotionally unstable he said
It’s easier being that way
People don’t need to understand
Feeling so deep you wonder why you
even fell so deep
So you look for an escape
Because you know the devil is watching you
playing with your hair
waiting for you to give into sorrow, to loss, to disbelief
and then I wonder if my grandmama is looking at me
Clean up your act
but losing you was the reason why I changed my act
and I started acting up…
She can not be described. She’s an experience. Your time with her might be short so make sure to enjoy every second. Because once you think she’ll stay, she’ll kiss you in the middle of night and flee wherever her chameleon soul tells her to go next. It is why she is beautiful; she can be anywhere at any time and find happiness in every moment. She never knows where she is going, but she knows she’s going somewhere. And knowing this motivates her…to seek a greater perhaps.